Hi there! I honestly can't believe it's been over a year since I last wrote on this blog. And, well, honestly a lot's happened and not a lot's happened, all at the same time.
The biggest thing, really, is that I'm now on the waiting list for an autism assessment. I'm 34 years old, and it's been a bit of a shock to realise I might be on the spectrum, but here we are. The waiting list is two years long, and I've been on it for nearly a year already. Whether I'm actually autistic or not, I'm trying to implement changes that help me to feel better.
Since July, when I stupidly thought it was a good idea to throw myself back into the realm of dating apps (with no success, really) I've been struggling even more with my sleep, and generally, I've felt far more frazzled since, seeing as I'm only really making it to bed every other night, and then crashing on the sofa in between. As I mentioned a while back in this post, I'm a bad sleeper, but the way I've been since July takes the biscuit.
And another thing that I've never mention here, but it might've helped to add some context, is that I've got contamination OCD symptoms. It's something that I've had pretty constantly since childhood. So, obviously, the last six years have been dreamy for me! I did reach out for therapy from the local privatised NHS mental health team recently, but then chickened out at the last minute because I was worried they might make me lick a toilet seat or something...
"Being a carer is hard enough without adding your own mind working against you into the mix."
Six years have sped by, but they've also massively dragged, and I'm basically still in lockdown - not just because of the self-imposed rules my mind's forced me to adhere to, but also because I'm a carer for an unwell relative who would really suffer if they caught Covid. No pressure, eh?
The only two normal things I've done in six whole years are: buy a car (last August, where I wiped it down with Clinell wipes as soon as I got home and changed clothes/washed hair for fear of being covered in germs), and had a McDonald's via the drive-thru (the other week, where I refused to touch the bag or anything that anyone who worked there might've touched and ate it off a plate making it the 'poshest' Maccy's I've ever had) - both of these things proved really challenging for me to do, but with the latter, I was determined to stick it to Keith.
(Keith is the name I gave the little annoying OCD voice in my head. I read in an OCD book once, that you should give the OCD voice the name of someone you don't like. And seeing as I've never met a nice Keith, that's it's name. I'm sure there are nice Keiths out there somewhere, it's just I haven't met any of them.)
I discussed the sleep thing with AI, because, apparently, I've shunned my digital minimalist tendencies in the last year in a desperate attempt to fix my life without paying for a specialist therapist. (Especially because I only earn £83.30 Carer's Allowance a week, which doesn't really stretch to £50 weekly therapy sessions...) And AI thinks that I'm definitely autistic, based on the way I write... And that I'm in 'autistic burnout' and that's why my sleep has gone absolutely haywire. In a way, I hope it's right, as I'm desperate for answers on how to be less exhausted and how to get back to a better routine where I'm less frazzled and more able to live with a tad more freedom. Being a carer is hard enough without adding your own mind working against you into the mix.
So, in the next few weeks, I'm going to try and implement a routine that allows me to try and get out of this burnout. Maybe I should document it here. Perhaps it might be helpful for anyone else going through the same thing?
Before I sign off, I feel like I should apologise for just how heavy this post has been! And, going forwards, I'd love to talk more about the mental health and (potential) neurodiversity side of life too. Rather than just simple living, recipes, how-tos - let's delve a little deeper, if that's okay?
Until next time,
Kate
x
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